I suck all the time.

I keep making bad decisions. I want to fix it but I feel completely out of control right now. Every time I feel like I know what's going on it blindsides me that I don't. I need to get all this shit together. While I'm not studying for history of the motion picture I guess I should write my artist statement for Lauren.

True Words.

Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem

Yesterday I think I had the exact experience that Shane is always preaching to us about. I rejected something that was presented to me as art. I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it to be even loosely related to art. I won't name names but some people's final for digital was just disgusting. Not in the way that's "OH MY GOD that's so gross! I don't wanna look at someone doing that!" More in the way of "How dare you present this as a project."

Bitches need to step up. This isn't high school this is the beginning of you're career you idiot. I probably sound harsh and judge mental about this but it's getting quite ridiculous. Some of these people are just wasting my time. I'm here to learn technique and learn how to interpret art by being able to speak about it. If only a few of my classmates consistently create work where conversation can begin how am i ever going to be able to critique work in the real world? How am i supposed to understand different concepts? Along with the people who just slack constantly there are some of us who always make good work.

I'd like to think I'm one of them but my insecurity of my own talent does not allow me that luxury. I do know that even if my work doesn't match up to the best in my classes I do put all of my effort into it. And that counts for something I think. I'm sick of the same people putting up the same bad work. If we tell you every crit in every class that you need to get it together YOU SHOULD.

I want all of us to succeed! I really truly do! I think we all have the ability to get to where we want to be. However, the laziness has to stop somewhere doesn't it? If you can't even make work for school how the hell are you going to make work when it really truly counts? It's simple, you're not.

Digital Final

I'm actually really excited about these. At first i wasnt sure if they were going to come out as i wanted them to but they did =) i am in love with the second set. i love the gold. 

Sexuality is weird.

We talked about this in class today. I decided to watch it because it seemed like an interesting topic. It makes me really uncomfortable but the more i watch the more fascinating it's becoming. A lot of what the dominatrix are saying makes a lot of sense. Even the people who come there and explain why they enjoy it is making sense.

The narrator just said "Most fetishes are the eroticization of one's worst fears and nightmares. They reflect the worst thing that an individual could ever imagine happening"

My question is if that's true then why would it turn people on? Just something weird to think about. Human sexuality is strange.

Right now there's a half jewish man talking about how he wants to be humiliated by a women dressed in a nazi uniform....

25 to Life- Eminem

My best friend in the entire world is this boy I met in 8th grade, his name is Cory. He isn't sarcastic or quick witted but he's sweet and funny in his cory way and wonderful. Sometimes I really want to punch him in the face though. And he can make me angry like only few people can. Last night I'm going on and on gushing about this girl I really like and he goes and says "you're self destructive."

How the fuck is that even relevant? and by the way so not true. Okay, so sometimes I do find myself sabotaging things in my life but once I notice I try my hardest to fix it. I just think that self destructive is extremely harsh.

After I got upset and told him so he just said "I just want you to realize how beautiful and wonderful you are"

This is what I think of the whole situation. He's an introvert. Everything his thinks and feels must be pried out of him. He never willingly comes to me with problems or thoughts. I have to notice that something is wrong and ask if he needs someone to talk to.

I am obviously an extrovert for the most part. I don't have a problem expressing my feelings on most subjects. So when I get excited about things I am all about it, all words and wild fantasies. But I think where we get disconnected is that I think he thinks that I actually believe the bullshit I'm saying. When I say "OH MY GOD look how perfect we are for each other we both like coffee!!!" I don't actually believe that. Although, I do think that if someone likes a good ol' cup o' joe we will probably get along a little better. I just have an imagination that runs away from me and it's all spilling out of my mouth before I can really process it.

He also called me crazy during that conversation. I'm not crazy I just get excited about things. He called me obsessive as well. I think I just go through phases where I think certain people are more interesting than others. It's not like I do this with regular people. I do it with band boys/girls or actors/actresses. I just haven't quite grown out of my fan girl teenage years. I don't see what's wrong with that.

The more I think about this the more irritated I am for letting him ruin my good mood last night. And then he wonders why I talk to other people instead of him. gah.

Inspiration for Studio Project

we short of decided that we want to create lizzy's character based on voldemort. i want to include his elegance as well as his power. however, I'm not sure if he exudes power because of the way he acts or because of the build up around him. his movements are smooth and swift but you can see he's strong. that's what i want to be portrayed through lizzy's character. alot of it will have to do with the way our other models look around her and some to do with her lighting and the angles we shot from.

in the next couple days we need to get our costumes together and our models set in stone.

this shit only happens to me.

signed up for that dating website that kelsey's been talking about. 3 match on my list... YOU. WHAT THE FUCK LIFE?!?!?!!?!?!? I HATE YOU.

Seasons- Good Charlotte

instead of beginning to write my proposal for darkroom i am going to sit here and bitch and moan that i am lonely. i miss having a crush on someone. i think sometimes i try and convince myself that i like someone because it's fun. i like that exciting feeling of seeing someone you really like.

i have been thinking a lot about what i really want/need in a relationship. the more i think about it the more i realize that the past two almost relationships would have kept me unsatisfied. possibly not the first one but most definitely the second.

i just want a super cute girl/boy who's going to make me laugh and cuddle with me. someone who's going to deal with my ridiculous obsessions and is at my sarcastic level.  but basically if katherine moennig/oliver sykes could decide i exist and leave their significant others to come live in my room with me i would have no complaints. at allllll.

yeah that's what should happen. forget everything else i said i just want people i will never meet and never have a relationship with. oh that sounds just like my real life relationships also. maybe im a masochist. maybe i enjoy emotional turmoil. mehhh something to continue to think about. obviously this is always on my mind. 

sleepy, tired, contemplating.

im really trying to figure out how to process the questions i have for the black and white final. i know that answers will be given to me while i shoot. i just know that this project has potential to be as awesome as i want it to be. so the things that i've started changing this time around. 

i want to give choice back to my subject: 

in the first set of images i told the subject where to stand and how to dress. this took away all control from them and forced them to be completely vulnerable. when i started shooting today i decided to allow them to have some choice back. they could decide whether they stood up or sat down on their bed. i've also been thinking about allowing them to wear extremely tight fitting clothes and all in the same color. 

the questions: 

i think i need to come up with a set of questions to ask each person. the problem is that i automatically think of this whole project in a book form. so i kind of want to create the questions as if they're introducing a chapter... i think that the theme's i want to group the images in are your own perception of your body, societies influence in your idea of your body, and i'm not sure what else yet. i think that the questions are a really important part of the images. or are they? i'm pretty sure they are but then again do i want to direct someone's interpretation that much? 

problems with the last set: 

not enough left open ended? i'm beginning to see that this is a definite thing. i told people what to look for when looking at the images therefore taking away the possible questions a viewer should have when looking at them. this isnt what i want at all, of course. so now my duty is to bring back the questions into the images. 

i guess i need to keep shooting and ask more questions. 

www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

GAH

I am so stressed out about finding a place to live that i could cry. seriously this isn't even fare. i should have just been like fuck everything and everyone and lived in the dorms last year. so then i would just be like hey i could live here another year no problem. i really hope that we end up living in either chesterfield or stuart court. but even if we don't i just want something to go smoothly. i guess i should have expect everything to move that quickly but it still surprised me and scared the crap out of me. kelsey and i should of just been like kelly stop being fucking difficult and be around so we can find a place to live.... a month ago. then we wouldn't be rushing around looking for a place to live with every other slacker vcu kid. god dammit.

This is my reaction to everything i fear

Manage me, I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book
Half unread

I wanna be laughed at
Laughed with, just because

I wanna feel weightless
And that should be enough

But I'm stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over, getting older

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

Make believe that I impress
That every word
By design
Turns a head

I wanna feel reckless
I wanna live it up, just because

I wanna feel weightless
Cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

This could be all that I've waited for
(I've waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything
I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy
I'm stuck in here

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year (it's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere (go nowhere)
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear (everything I fear)
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

the downfall of us all- a day to remember

I realized something on monday while i was already having the worst day ever. I don't know how to make work for myself. I know how to make work for myself while working on a project and working something i want to do into the requirements. But i don't know how to be like "oh that would be cool lemme just do it." Every experience i have other than just taking snapshots has been for a reason. I took photo for a couple years in high school and took pictures for the class. Once i stopped i didn't take pictures really.. expect at like shows and of my friends. then i started photographing again because i wasnt sure what major i wanted to be in. and then i decided on photo and photographed in order to get in. and since then i've been photographing for projects.

i decided in the past few days that i should start submitting work to shows and books and things every month to get used to the feeling of putting myself on display. but i don't feel like i have a body of work. the only series that i'm incredibly proud of is the body image series from black and white last semester. i like the work i did in digital but i feel like it doesn't carry as much as an impact.

i want to create an image and a concept that i can sit back and contemplate and be like damn go me. something that i can be proud of myself for accomplishing. it doesn't really matter to me if it goes over well in public... i think? i'm still not exactly sure about what kind of artist i want to be or even if i want to be an artist.

i dont know where i was going with this. basically at this point i just feel lost all the time.

Bones

just watched the season three finale of Bones
Goodbye Zach! strangely you were my second favorite character on this show. i hope no body bothers you for being so smart in the mental hospital. but sadly that is what you get for helping a man who eats people. i will miss you king of the lab.

I don't care if you're contagious - pierce the veil

I've been trying to think of the things that i care about all week and i'm having a really hard time. i guess right now what i really care about is trying to become a well informed person. i realize that this should be a whole long post about how all i care about is something that affects lots of people. but really i've been trying to read about things that interest me and to do things that benefit keeping myself active in all different aspects. i have a bunch of goals for the up coming months which include:

-reading the news everyday
-saving money
-getting a job i enjoy
-spending lots of time outside
-eating right
-reading a lot
-getting my anxiety under control

what i care about at this moment is keeping these promises to myself. i hope to do this by reminding myself everyday that i'm capable of achieving these things and not being a slacker.

Time Bomb- Rancid

this has been stuck in my head for days

Martin Schoeller

I would like to start off by saying that sumble upon is amazing for finding me this photographer, Martin Schoellar. I just spent the last hour looking at as many of his images as I could find. He's an amazing photographer. He's photographed everyone, and when I say that I mean it. The list includes but isn't limited to Marylin Mason, Eminem, Prince, Barack Obama, Jack Nicholson, Brittany Spears, Christopher Walken, and it goes on and on. I feel like I've seen his work somewhere but I can't remember. I'll start this rant about him at his series entitled "Close-Up". The series is probably based around hundreds of different people in the exact same lighting situation. Which seems to look like clam lighting on each side instead of from above and below. In all of the images the people in them seem to have heavy lidded eyes and are trying to focus in completely on the camera. I really enjoy this series because of how simple it is. The lighting is really simple along with the contents of the frame. It's just a straight on portrait. These closed in angels really give the chance to examine people without having to interact with them at all. There is no excess information other than the face and little of the shoulders. The way he presents the series in a gallery is by making them extremely large prints and hanging them in simple frames. By doing this you're confronted with simple yet intriguing portraits of people that look familiar to you.

 Along with the "Close-Up" series he's done alot of commerical work. Most of the images have some hint at irony in them. Which is extremely enjoyable because you can tell that he's still trying to make his work fun for himself. One of my favorite images of his commercial work is an image of Puffy Daddy/ P. Diddy/ Diddy. The thing that makes the entire image for me is the fact that in the reflection of the mirror is the painting. I think it's extremely important for a photographer to still be able to convey a meaning within their work even if they're doing primarily commercially based work. For me the image is saying that Diddy puts on a persona and he see's that persona in the mirror. He feels he can't drop it at any time or else something will go wrong. I could be way off base with that observation but I believe that this is what is being hinted at. Another image that I really enjoyed is this image of Mike Myers doing weird things that I would not be surprised if he did them on a regular basis. I love the contradicting pieces of the image. The fact that he's wearing a suite and then just has some ducks chillin' in the sink helping him with the dishes is just hilarious to me. Like I said before a lot of the images have a bit of humor to them. When creating extremely staged portraits around certain people I think it's important to keep them not as serious. There's also an image of the guy who plays Gob from Arrested Development a.k.a one of the funniest shows ever. He's just sitting on the floor eating cereal playing video games. I think that's a testament to not having to have something extremely elaborate set up in order to create a brilliant photo.




The last series that I'm going to rant on about is his series entitled "Female Bodybuilders". I won't go on and on about it other than to say it's fascinating to look at. When looking at the images of women going to completely different extremes then is socially accepted I don't quite know how to feel about them. The whole series is of women who are totally built the same way that some women feel men should be. A thought comes to mind when contemplating this, if these women appear to be physically stronger does it cause a problem with the men in their lives? It shouldn't of course but we all know that most men need to feel like the stronger person in a relationship. Because don't you know women are "weak". Anyway I think this series speaks more for itself than some of the other ones because of the fact that it's hard to approach. Even just looking at the images makes me feel intimidated and nervous.

I keep trying to avoid typing what comes to mind when looking at these images. "Would be beautiful". I feel like a jerk for thinking this. What makes them not beautiful now? Absolutely nothing, it's all about making yourself happy and looking the way that makes, you , yourself feel beautiful. It shouldn't matter how I feel about the way you look or anyone else. I really enjoy these because of how much thought they have the ability to evoke. Unfortunately it seems that this is definitely not the work he is most known for. And sadly it's probably because "Close Up" is mostly featuring celebrity's and for some reason our country is obsessed with them. I think this series compared to the other one is much more brilliant even though they both have the same basic composition and lighting set up.



Well, I don't know if anyone actually read this whole thing or not but if you did thanks!

Schedule Planning

I'm sitting here at work planning my schedule for next semester. Although, I actually have no idea when registration is because Tracey failed to mention it during our meeting on Monday. I'm trying really hard not to make myself too busy. I actually decided to add another class to my schedule for the summer in order to save myself from being insane in the fall. I'm not sure if I can handle more than 16 credits and to tell you the truth I don't really want to find out. I also really want to be able to keep working like I have been maybe even a few more hours at cvs.

schedule for the fall is as follows so far:
 tues&thurs- intro to women's studies 11:00-12:15
mon,wed&fri- english 215 11:00-11:50
mon&wed- concepts in photo 12:00-2:20
mon&wed- studio photo 6:00-8:20
tues&thurs- advanced digital print 6:00-8:20

Summer schedule:
mon,tues,wed,thurs,&fri- art history 9:00-12:00
mon,tues,wed,thurs,&fri- math 12:30-3:00
mon&wed- bio 6:00-8:40

none of the summer classes overlap which is totally nice and it gives me an opportunity to work a lot and catch up on gen ed credits. YAY!

Little Carla by Marc Jacobs

Alright, I'll admit it I'm a complete sucker for handbags. I just love them. One of my favorite designers is Marc Jacobs. All of his bags have nice clean lines and are made with quality products. Plus, he's an american designer which is strange in high fashion. I was just on his website, searching for things I cannot afford. It's one of the best sites I've seen on this big wide internet world we reside in. Just the code alone on this site is impressive. Even if you aren't interested in fashion you should check out his site. The bag I want at the moment is: 

This wonderful little baby would cost me 950$. Yes, Nine Hundred and Fifty Dollars. Why must the things I want be so much out of my life style's spending ability. If only I was born into money. goshhhh  

the only exception- Paramore

I think it's amazing that some songs have certain people written all over them. I remember listening to Spark's Fly by t.swift for the first time and just thinking "this is you, this is how i feel about you" and then it played out as it did, now the songs that remind me of you are the story of us, dear john and haunted by t.swift. Now I can't listen to these songs without giving you a fleeting thought. But it's getting better as these months fly by and I feel like I am that much closer to being myself again.

This brings up a question that I ask myself over and over, Why do we, as humans, dwell on things that hurt us? Some people may be like bahhh jamie no that's only you, I just move on. Personally I think that's complete crap. One day that's all going to come crawling back into you're conscious thoughts. I think it's better to wallow right then and there. This isn't necessarily about relationships, it's about everything. I think it's important to embrace how something makes you feel, as long as you don't hurt anyone because of it. I think being heartbroken over whatever it is for a period of time is completely acceptable.  Even if people think you're being stupid for being devastated that you can't go see someone in concert. At least you feel passionate about something.

The people in the world that lack passion for anything I do not understand. And it probably goes without saying that I don't understand people who don't care about things either.

until my next rant. xo

School Spirit!

celebrating final four.... like a boss.
aka. in my apartment listening to ke$ha contemplating having a dance party.

anthem- bring me the horizon

Completely unrelated: what if every time i took a what hogwarts house are you? quiz i got slytherin instead of huffelpuff? how would life change?



oliver<3

your missing it man

Jude Law and The Semester Abroad - Brand New

Lately I've been really flirting with the idea of what kind of people are necessary to have in your life. As I get further and further into this so called future in photography I keep meeting people with so much knowledge. I have definitely decided that it's completely necessary to have people in your life that make you want to be a better person, learn more, and make you strive to keep up. I've always felt like I have a good head on my shoulders and that I understand things pretty well. But lately I've felt like I'm falling short in comparison to the people around me. I feel like this is a good thing though. By listening to my friends talk about things that I know little about it makes me want to learn about the topics. Now if only I could make time for it I'd be golden..