I realized something on monday while i was already having the worst day ever. I don't know how to make work for myself. I know how to make work for myself while working on a project and working something i want to do into the requirements. But i don't know how to be like "oh that would be cool lemme just do it." Every experience i have other than just taking snapshots has been for a reason. I took photo for a couple years in high school and took pictures for the class. Once i stopped i didn't take pictures really.. expect at like shows and of my friends. then i started photographing again because i wasnt sure what major i wanted to be in. and then i decided on photo and photographed in order to get in. and since then i've been photographing for projects.
i decided in the past few days that i should start submitting work to shows and books and things every month to get used to the feeling of putting myself on display. but i don't feel like i have a body of work. the only series that i'm incredibly proud of is the body image series from black and white last semester. i like the work i did in digital but i feel like it doesn't carry as much as an impact.
i want to create an image and a concept that i can sit back and contemplate and be like damn go me. something that i can be proud of myself for accomplishing. it doesn't really matter to me if it goes over well in public... i think? i'm still not exactly sure about what kind of artist i want to be or even if i want to be an artist.
i dont know where i was going with this. basically at this point i just feel lost all the time.
It would be crazy if you didn't feel like this right now. The people that "seem" on top of shit well they aren't asking these questions, they aren't allowing themselves to feel any of this anxiety... maybe it works for them but personally, I don't think anyone at our age should know exactly where they need to be in life (in all honesty, no one really ever knows). If your already settled on one idea well you begin to pigeon-hole yourself, which in the future will be most difficult to break free from. You say you don't know "what kind of artist [you] want to be" GOOD, don't categorize yourself! Its fucking hard not being able to answer these questions and even harder being OK with not answering them. My sister asked me these questions when I went home this past weekend: what are you going to do with this degree, are you going for grad school or a job after you graduate, since you want to travel are you going to work for a travel magazine... you graduate in 2 years Augusta these are questions you really need to be asking yourself, you need to figure out what your going to do. FUCK is all I wanted to say, I had no answer, not one reply. She made me feel so unorganized, so behind, so fucking lost. Do do do do do do is all I could think. I calmed down, realized I can figure this stuff out at my pace. Because Americans are so got-to-have-it-now, instant gratification, got-to-make-a-thousand-plans type of human beings, I'm finding it hard to fit into society, I don't want to mold myself into what it demands I be. I have a completely different mind set from most others, I can't answer these "life" questions, but I'm trying to be OK with that. I will find my way but it won't be quick, my parents, my sister, whoever else might get upset, even angry, but its MY life, I have to be good with the decisions I make. You shouldn't live for other people, relax, try not being so pressured by others, its hard, especially when we have so many people breathing down our necks - our parents, teachers, peers (that "seem" to have things together), advisors, etc. Don't feel alone, plenty of people are going through the same thing Jamie.
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