I suck all the time.

I keep making bad decisions. I want to fix it but I feel completely out of control right now. Every time I feel like I know what's going on it blindsides me that I don't. I need to get all this shit together. While I'm not studying for history of the motion picture I guess I should write my artist statement for Lauren.

True Words.

Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem

Yesterday I think I had the exact experience that Shane is always preaching to us about. I rejected something that was presented to me as art. I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it to be even loosely related to art. I won't name names but some people's final for digital was just disgusting. Not in the way that's "OH MY GOD that's so gross! I don't wanna look at someone doing that!" More in the way of "How dare you present this as a project."

Bitches need to step up. This isn't high school this is the beginning of you're career you idiot. I probably sound harsh and judge mental about this but it's getting quite ridiculous. Some of these people are just wasting my time. I'm here to learn technique and learn how to interpret art by being able to speak about it. If only a few of my classmates consistently create work where conversation can begin how am i ever going to be able to critique work in the real world? How am i supposed to understand different concepts? Along with the people who just slack constantly there are some of us who always make good work.

I'd like to think I'm one of them but my insecurity of my own talent does not allow me that luxury. I do know that even if my work doesn't match up to the best in my classes I do put all of my effort into it. And that counts for something I think. I'm sick of the same people putting up the same bad work. If we tell you every crit in every class that you need to get it together YOU SHOULD.

I want all of us to succeed! I really truly do! I think we all have the ability to get to where we want to be. However, the laziness has to stop somewhere doesn't it? If you can't even make work for school how the hell are you going to make work when it really truly counts? It's simple, you're not.

Digital Final

I'm actually really excited about these. At first i wasnt sure if they were going to come out as i wanted them to but they did =) i am in love with the second set. i love the gold. 

Sexuality is weird.

We talked about this in class today. I decided to watch it because it seemed like an interesting topic. It makes me really uncomfortable but the more i watch the more fascinating it's becoming. A lot of what the dominatrix are saying makes a lot of sense. Even the people who come there and explain why they enjoy it is making sense.

The narrator just said "Most fetishes are the eroticization of one's worst fears and nightmares. They reflect the worst thing that an individual could ever imagine happening"

My question is if that's true then why would it turn people on? Just something weird to think about. Human sexuality is strange.

Right now there's a half jewish man talking about how he wants to be humiliated by a women dressed in a nazi uniform....

25 to Life- Eminem

My best friend in the entire world is this boy I met in 8th grade, his name is Cory. He isn't sarcastic or quick witted but he's sweet and funny in his cory way and wonderful. Sometimes I really want to punch him in the face though. And he can make me angry like only few people can. Last night I'm going on and on gushing about this girl I really like and he goes and says "you're self destructive."

How the fuck is that even relevant? and by the way so not true. Okay, so sometimes I do find myself sabotaging things in my life but once I notice I try my hardest to fix it. I just think that self destructive is extremely harsh.

After I got upset and told him so he just said "I just want you to realize how beautiful and wonderful you are"

This is what I think of the whole situation. He's an introvert. Everything his thinks and feels must be pried out of him. He never willingly comes to me with problems or thoughts. I have to notice that something is wrong and ask if he needs someone to talk to.

I am obviously an extrovert for the most part. I don't have a problem expressing my feelings on most subjects. So when I get excited about things I am all about it, all words and wild fantasies. But I think where we get disconnected is that I think he thinks that I actually believe the bullshit I'm saying. When I say "OH MY GOD look how perfect we are for each other we both like coffee!!!" I don't actually believe that. Although, I do think that if someone likes a good ol' cup o' joe we will probably get along a little better. I just have an imagination that runs away from me and it's all spilling out of my mouth before I can really process it.

He also called me crazy during that conversation. I'm not crazy I just get excited about things. He called me obsessive as well. I think I just go through phases where I think certain people are more interesting than others. It's not like I do this with regular people. I do it with band boys/girls or actors/actresses. I just haven't quite grown out of my fan girl teenage years. I don't see what's wrong with that.

The more I think about this the more irritated I am for letting him ruin my good mood last night. And then he wonders why I talk to other people instead of him. gah.